The Self Confidence Paradox
Our group mentoring program is in full swing for another year and our most recent discussion topic was around self confidence.
There are a lot of directions you could take this subject and here are a few things that came out of the pre-work and presentation:
Speaking to your accomplishments - being authentic not boastful
Empowerment
Finding your why or purpose
Confidence is the stuff that puts thought into action
Don't be afraid to fail
Build on your achievements
You Begin to Notice it Everywhere
Since we were immersed in the concept of Self Confidence... I found myself taking notice of how it plays out in real time...not only for me but for those around me.
While the topics above are good fodder for what I would call "big moment" confidence... how you exercise self confidence daily and consistently can be manifested in numerous ways.
I watched in real time this week how three little words had a BIG impact on self confidence. What were those words you ask?
"Are YOU sure?"
It is amazing the impact that simple phrase can have on an individual or team's confidence depending on WHO asks the question.
The Self Confidence Paradox
The self-confidence paradox is that you believe in yourself until you are challenged and then you begin to doubt yourself.
As I thought about this concept...I went in search of an article that might already describe it...and...the internet did not disappoint. I liked how Michael Angelo Costa linked self-esteem to self confidence. It also rang true for me
To quote Steven Pressfield in his book The War of Art, “Do the work!”
If you have put in the time...the research...consulted stakeholders and done the work...then you should stand tall to support and answer questions under cross examination. It can be really intimidating to have someone in a position of power ask something like "Are YOU sure?" and if you have done all the work you can outline the steps you have taken and the path that led to the conclusions so they can be "sure too". If you crumble under questioning it reinforces the position that more work may be needed...you weren't really sure.
One of the ways to prepare for this is to anticipate the questions that may be asked. YOU can brainstorm these based on what you know of the audience or seek feedback from others as you bounce the ideas off of them.
A Story
My oldest daughter from about the age of 16 (maybe younger) declared that she wanted a tattoo. She asked numerous times if we would provide parental consent and we said "when you are 18 you can make the decision for yourself". We reinforced that it was a decision she would live with for a long time and "had she thought it all through?"
Fast forward to her 18th birthday when she came home with her first tattoo. She was nervous to show us as she thought we would be disappointed or would not approve. That was far from the case. She had taken to heart what we had asked which was "Are YOU sure?" She also anticipated the concerns or questions we would have and was prepared to address those with us...with confidence and conviction.
Her tattoo was the letter G on her wrist and represented her love for her Grandfather (Poppa George) who had recently passed away. It had a special meaning that would outlast any era of her life and it was small enough that it wouldn't be seen under her watch band if she so chose. She was SURE.
We went on to explain...it was our job to push back and make sure she was confident in her decision. How could we be anything other than happy with her self confidence and thoughtful choice.
In Closing...
It is our role as parents and as leaders to sometimes ask the tough questions to ensure the best decisions are made given the timeframe and circumstances.
If YOU put in the work there is no need to lack confidence or immediately back down. It also doesn't mean that you have to be rigid...combative or unwilling to incorporate feedback... it means that NO ONE knows the information... topic... numbers or conclusions better than YOU. If you are uneasy or unsure then those who are not close to it will be unsure too.
All this does not mean that there won't be a point...a question or perspective that you did not anticipate or consider. There are ways to handle that without eroding the confidence in your decision. You can say..."we will look at that and see how that can be addressed and get back to you". It does NOT mean you should scrap the whole thing and start over as that has it's own complications....impacts to cost and timeline. Sometimes misinterpreting the "Are YOU sure" question can cost more money and waste more time than simply implementing the recommendation.
So...to sum it all up...
Let your confidence shine through... there is NO ONE like YOU!
Leadership Questions of the Week for YOU
What are YOUR thoughts or recent observations around the topic of Self Confidence?
Have YOU seen the impact that the question "Are YOU sure?" has on others in your personal or professional life? Can you think of other phrases that do the same thing?
Can YOU think of a time where you were intimidated or backed down after putting in the work? What advice would YOU give to others or lessons YOU learned from that experience?
Can YOU think of a time when that question derailed a team to the point of wasting valuable time and money?
What is the emotional quotient on a team or individual in those circumstances? How can that best be recovered or managed?
Can YOU think of a time when YOU have gotten feedback from stakeholders in advance...done the work... been transparent... confident in your presentation and key individuals who had originally backed the approach or decision suddenly back down from it as questions are asked? What advice do you have for that WTF moment?
Thanks for reading….and remember…YOU make a difference!
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